


jealousy, that thing with claws

by dregstrash



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Action & Romance, F/M, Jealousy, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 22:17:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20824700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dregstrash/pseuds/dregstrash
Summary: Nikolai never gets jealous.Of course that was before Petya enters the Little Palace and has eyes for a certain beautiful General.He had other things to worry about, and yet he couldn't help but hyper-focus on the little things that might mean Zoya's heart was drifting away from his.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was the orignal Tumblr prompt:  
"You should totally write some more jealous Nikolai, regular, one of your AUs I don't know I just love your writing"
> 
> All my other stuff can be found on my tumblr: dregstrash
> 
> Thank you for reading!

When Lord Petya had arrived to Os Alta three weeks ago, Nikolai quite enjoyed his help. He had stormed the castle with a good amount of volunteers from his section of the country as well some of his own guards in the aide against the Fjerdans. He was good-natured, quieter than most, and knew how to hold his liquor.

It has been a long while since Nikolai felt a thread of brotherhood that wasn’t tied to his crown or duty, and he had forgotten how much of his own childhood was robbed of that easy relationship.

But then the strangest thing happened, and all of a sudden the good qualities that Nikolai had so admired in his friend started to rub against his nerves. 

Nothing drastic had changed. During the war councils where he was invited, he was respectful, spoke his mind when asked, and provided good military insight. During meals, he was good-natured, bringing David out of his quiet contemplations and kept pace with Tolya’s poetry. But there was something that had changed, and as Nikolai sat quietly at dinner, observing the Triumvrate and his closest friends eating and chatting he figured it out with a jolt of confusion.

It was a motion so small, so inconsequential that to any other person it would have been ridiculous to point out. But it mattered a great deal to Nikolai. Because when Zoya’s cup had been emptied, before a servant could step in and refresh it Petya had done it himself. And Zoya let him. 

There was no glare. No annoyance that flickered on her face. She just offered a nod of approval and he set the decanter down and turned away. It was a polite formality, but entirely unlike his general.

Ever since then, the small things that had passed by without notice became glaringly obvious. 

Petya always sat next to Zoya during meetings. His body shifted closer to hers when she had something to say. His dark brown eyes lingered on hers when she ate at meals. And the most disturbing of all: Zoya just let him. 

She indulged the slight body positioning. She angled her head towards him slightly. She didn’t try to publicly shame him in front of everyone for staring at her too long. She just let him give her small attentions. 

And Nikolai did not like that. 

He did not like that at all.

Which was absolutely ridiculous. For all he knew they were just really good friends or Zoya’s temper was cooling or Petya was a one of the few pleasant men who didn’t ogle her at every turn. Or he could just be imagining the entire small exchanges and he was slowly dissolving into madness. 

Yes, that was it. He was dissolving into madness. 

Nikolai could let himself believe that. Up until the day Petya had decided to take an early morning ride with him, and the two men let their horses graze in the short grass before heading back to the castle.

“I hope this is not out of turn for me to ask, Your Majesty,” Petya started innocently enough, but still Nikolai felt his insides twist uncomfortably, “But, in regards to Miss Nazyalensky, she…she’s not betrothed to anyone, is she?”

Nikolai coughed, and kept his kingly smile on his face, “She’s not. Why do you ask?”

Petya had the right sense to blush, “Well, I’m sure you tire of hearing this, my king, but she is quite a stunning woman…and I was thinking of formally asking permission for her courtship.”

The king’s hands gripped his reins tighter, and he was glad that he wore riding gloves because surely Petya would notice the whiteness in his knuckles.

“In the middle of this disaster?” It was a struggle to keep his tone light and even while the very workings of his mind imagined a thousand ways to knock his friend off his horse.

“It is a trying time,” Petya nodded solemnly. “But I don’t believe that it should mean for life to stop. Did you not also find a bride-to-be recently, Your Majesty?”

_I’d be more than happy to switch, Petya. _The words were on the tip of his tongue, but Nikolai choked them down with a placid smile. 

“You know her the best, my lord,” The other man continued, completely oblivious to the storm that was raging in Nikolai’s heart. “Do-do you think she would take kindly to my advances? We have taken some walks alone, but I’d like to do this properly.”

_Is that where she goes now? _Nikolai thought bitterly. He no longer needed her to chain him to his bed at night. Her evenings were her own, and apparently she’s been spending it with this man. Following this harsh thought came a wave of shame. Why did he care so much? Zoya was a free woman who could do as she pleased with whomever she wanted. And Petya was at least a decent man. He wasn’t too bad looking– nowhere near as handsome as Nikolai– but he seemed to respect her. There was absolutely no logical reason for him to disprove of Petya.

Petya was still looking at him expectantly, and it took Nikolai a moment to remember he had asked him a question. There were words that he should say to assuage the young man. Words that would encourage him or advise him in his heart’s endeavors. Because that’s what friends did, they helped one another when it came to relationships.

But what came out of his mouth instead was, “I would proceed with caution, my friend. Zoya is not a woman to be trifled with. She’s taken greater men than you and ground their bones into dust.”

A look of confusion flashed across his face, and before he could question further, Nikolai brought his reins back up.

“We need to get back to the palace. I have to meet with David about some plans for our infantry.”

Petya nodded, and kept pace with Nikolai as they stormed across the country side. 

The sound of hooves and the wind filled Nikolai’s ears and he wished it was enough to drown out the aching that had started in his stomach and had worked its way up to his chest. Because as they rode, all Nikolai could see in his mind’s eye was Petya and Zoya taking walks in the garden. The careful distance between them closing and the smile that he had always assumed that was his alone, would suddenly be turned towards another man.


	2. Chapter 2

_“_General Nazyalensky, please stay for a moment.” 

_Bad idea, Lantsov, _His inner voice of reason rang out clear and true, but the small growling thing within his chest that had stayed with him since his ride with Lord Petya growled louder.

The rest of the Triumvrate filtered out of the war room, and though try as he might, Nikolai didn’t miss the lingering look Petya _and _Zoya gave each other.

It’s only been two weeks since his conversation with his friend. And he hadn’t heard a single thing about it since. Did Petya go through with it? Did Zoya say yes? Would he have been happier if she had said no? Did that make him a terrible king? Maybe just a terrible friend.

“What is it?” Zoya said as soon as the door shut. “Is it the encampment near the Shu Border again? Do I need to send Tolya down there again?”

For the first time in his cursed life, Nikolai floundered for what to say. He should have maybe planned this or come up with some excuse to talk to her. Why was this so hard? Oh saints she’s still looking at him– he needs to say something–

“No. It’s not about that–I just– Well, it just seems that you and Lord Petya have been getting along quite well during his stay here.”

He winced internally, but kept his face carefully neutral as he watched Zoya’s eyebrows raise up to her fringe. 

“He gets along with everybody here.”

“Yes, but he’s also the first man that hasn’t been made a fool by you.” He let his lips quirk into an almost smile, hoping it looked more sardonic than strained.

She sighed and rolled her eyes, “He’s given me no reason to shame him publicly. Unless, that’s all part of your genius war strategy, I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

“I just wanted to make sure that he–he isn’t being led on– so to speak.”

Anger lit in her eyes like a spark to hay, “Excuse me?”

“It’s just that–” Nikolai fought the urge to fidget or look away from her scalding glare. “He’s a very valuable ally, and I’m just afraid that if you lead him astray with his emotions it would not do well for us.”

“And you’d think I’d do that? You think I’d lead a man on for the hell of it?” She crossed her arms and drew her chin up.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t done it before.” Nikolai felt his own hackles rising, though he couldn’t understand why. He’s the one who started this conversation.

“When I was young and not in the middle of a war.” She snapped, “Lord Petya is a good friend and ally, I would never do him such disrespect.”

“And that’s all he is to you? A good friend and ally?” 

There it was, the question that has circulated through his mind over and over again, giving him no reprieve. It wasn’t fair to Zoya, or to Petya. Both of them were good people who deserve the world. But despite all of Nikolai’s posturing, he was also just a flawed man who still believed he could have it all. 

An unreadable expression descended on Zoya’s features as she gave him a long, hard look.

“Why does it matter what he is to me?” The softness of her voice only heightened the edge of her voice.

“It matters because he is my friend,” Nikolai grasped, feeling shame and anxiety twist in his blood. “As are you, I don’t want any sort of miscommunication to affect either relationship.”

She walked towards him then, slow and deliberate. Each step bringing a certain kind of dread pounding into his lungs. 

“If you were really my friend.” She hissed, “Then you would know it was none of your business who asks for my hand or not.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Nazyalensky.” He said with too much force. Under normal circumstance, the disdain so clear in her eyes would have been amusing. He would have teased her about it until the disdain was laced with exasperation and humor. But these were not normal circumstances. Because Zoya’s shield of anger and annoyance wasn’t enough to hide the uncertainty and sadness that flicked briefly in her eyes. 

“Whoever asks for your hand, should be deserving of it,” He leaned in towards her, his face heating up with an unexpected protectiveness. “And your happiness has always been my business.”

A sarcastic chuckle escaped her mouth as she refused to back away from him, “My happiness? You must not have enough worries plaguing your mind, if you can still manage to concern yourself with whoever is courting me.”

Nikolai didn’t rise to the bait in her voice.

“You and I, we are partners,” He said vehemently, “In this war, and in the rebuilding of this country. We cannot afford secrets between us. Not now.”

Zoya glared at him for another long moment. The pause was pregnant with all the anticipation of a storm. It was heavy enough to make him reconsider this line of questioning. Did he actually want to know the answer? Would that calm him down? 

He got his answer soon enough because before he could end their conversation, Zoya spoke.

“Be informed, Your Majesty, Petya has made his intentions known to me. I feel secure in his advances. He admires me. I respect him. We have spent much time together. He is helping me train and plan for our fortifications. We spend some meals together when our schedules alone. Should I keep going or should I also list the dresses that I’ve worn when I was planning to see him?”

Any hope for a mental respite was ripped to shreds by the beast in his chest. The short, blunt words only agitated it more, making it snap and growl with determined frustration. And he wanted to tear it out of him. Nikolai wanted to silence the creature so that he may look at her and smile and be happy for his “friend” without the bitterness that was now lining his every emotion.

“No, that will suffice” Nikolai’s voice sounded odd to his ears. There was a brightness in it that he did not feel, and a hollowness that betrayed too much of his own thoughts. But he persisted. He plastered the smile that was known to put people at ease, and tried not to grit his teeth as he said, “I wish you both the best. But do not forget where you’re loyalties lie.”

Zoya, finally, took a step back, “My loyalties have never wavered, Nikolai. And I warn you now to never question them.”

Nikolai watched Zoya turn around sharply, and leave him staring at her retreating back. 

He had his answer. Petya was officially courting Zoya. Nikolai was engaged to Princess Ehri. Things that were under cloak and shadows were put into the light. He should be happy about it. He should work on winning over Ehri or maybe congratulating Petya or maybe planning their next moves. 

Instead, he grabbed the bottle of mead on the drink cart and headed to his room. All the other problems will still be there in the morning, and maybe when he felt the headache of a hangover or the crushing reality of his country he can become more like himself. Maybe he could put this ugliness in his chest to rest. Maybe he can accept that Zoya would find a pocket of happiness–that didn’t involve him.

A flash of Zoya and Petya in each other’s embraces invaded his mind, and Nikolai took a drink.

Maybe this feeling would go away, or maybe he was just as petty as any other man. 


	3. Chapter 3

A king never avoids confrontation. It was inevitable in ruling a kingdom and managing an army. Confrontations were always opportunities to test one’s mettle and prove against adversity. Avoiding it would only be cowardice and ill fitting to a man of his station. 

So, in the weeks after his conversation with Zoya, he didn’t avoid her or Petya, he merely evaded. 

He _evaded _Petya’s invitations to ride out with him.

He _evaded _private and necessary strategy sessions with his general.

He _evaded _the eastern gardens that ran between the main castle and the Little Palace. 

He rather liked that word. It gave him the illusion of a control he neither had nor felt.

Nikolai had a pressing meeting with one of his Tidemakers about the progress of his newly designed ship, but his feet refused to obey him and took him down the long path that connected his lab with the forest. He had a vague recollection of the path he was on, and when he looked up with the sunlight filtering through the dense leaves he took a minute to take in a breath.

It felt like its own kind of bliss to be surrounded by nothing but sunlight and birds. The air lay heavy on his tongue bringing in the taste of flowers in full blossom and in the distance he could hear the lively thrum of bees.

He continued on his walk and turned a corner that led into a small grove and almost ran into another body in the small grove.

“G-general!” Nikolai exclaimed.

Zoya who looked equally surprised started at her title, jumped slightly and offered him a quick smile. 

“Your Majesty, I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

He smiled against his better judgement, “I like to keep you on your toes, Nazyalensky. It makes for good practice.”

Zoya didn’t really laugh, but a small quirk of her mouth was enough to betray her amusement.

Nikolai opened his mouth, but shut it quickly when he realized he could not think of anything to say. What did they use to talk about before everything? What did they even _have _to chat about? It seems most of their conversations rotated on death, destruction, and doom. 

The sound of the bees was louder here, and he followed the sound and realized what Zoya was looking at when he interrupted her.

“Bees never seem the same after that saintsforsaken place.” He said plainly. He could see the expanse of that emptiness. The sands that shifted to solidity, but never enough to feel real. He heard the bees. Saw the amber. Saw who put herself there for him. For him. She did that for–

“Juris says that it’s a good reminder,” Zoya took a step to stand beside him, but her eyes were trained on the hive that nestled in the nearest tree. 

“Easy for Juris to say,” Nikolai responded, “He must feel homesick.”

Zoya’s eyes flashed a quick silver, before returning to their natural blue, “For your sake, I won’t relay that message.”

“How’s that going? Your training? Mastering all the elements? Becoming the most powerful Grisha?” Nikolai forced the deep caring in his voice into lightness. Bending the concern into teasing.

Her eyes darted to him briefly, but returned to the tree.

“It’s–it’s unnatural. It goes beyond anything any normal Grisha can do. It shouldn’t be possible, and part of me thinks that it should have stayed that way.”

This time Nikolai was the first to move. He stepped in front of her, blocking the bee hive, and made her look into his eyes. 

“You’re worried about turning into the Darkling?”

“Like calls to Like, Nikolai. More power only calls to more power.” She spoke evenly, and logically, that he almost laughed. Because if anyone had less of an ability to turn into the monster that almost destroyed their world it was Zoya.

“You’re not like him. You’re better than him. Better than anything his dark twisted mind could possibly imagine.”

“You don’t know me,” Her tone remained even, but her words were harsh, “You don’t know what it’s like to feel powerless and imagine every day what it might be like to have a whole solution in your hands. If you really knew me, you’d worry, too.”

He tilted his head at her. He turned the phrases and bare truth over and tried to shape them into the solid image he carried with him everywhere he went. He saw her point. He saw the temptation of power in the palms of her hands, and he saw exactly what that kind of ability does to a person.

But he also thought she was wrong. He remembered the scars on her back. The tiger cubs that were spared because of an instinctive protectiveness. The kind of light that she honed into a sharp blade.

“It’s because I have you that I don’t worry, Zoya,” He whispered. Nikolai realized that he had stepped closer to her. And she didn’t step away. He cloud see the way the light hit her eyes and revealed the brownish color of her hair. She was close enough for the heat of her to reach him. If he was brave enough, he could reach out and brush his fingers across the smooth outline of her face. “You are made of the very fabric cut from this Earth. I know you won’t do anything against it.”

She didn’t speak. She just looked at him for a long while, an unreadable emotion surging up into the blue pool of her eyes. Just as he was about to step back, she opened her mouth, but was interrupted by a slight rustle of leaves.

“Zo! I managed to wrangle– Oh, Your Majesty, I didn’t know you’d be joining us.” Petya emerged from the path Nikolai was on, a basket under one arm and a blanket in the other. The other man looked flushed from his walk and eyes bright as his gaze landed on Zoya.

Nikolai, who had jumped back in surprise, managed to smile brightly at his friend– no matter how false it felt. 

“I’m just about to leave. I had to talk with the General about some military formations that the Fjerdans are forming. I’ll leave you to your afternoon.” He said in a rush. He needed to get out of here. The air that had rested so pleasantly on his skin was stifling. He didn’t know where to look. The basket? No. That was a dangerous line of thinking. The blanket? Even worse. His eyes wanted to latch onto Zoya’s like a lost man seeing a familiar path.

But he couldn’t. That would be his sure and utter undoing.

“Will we see you later?” Petya called as he moved to stand beside Zoya, “There’s that dinner with the visiting lord from the north.”

Nikolai gave a tight lipped smile, “I have a previous dinner engagement with Princess Ehri. Maybe next time.”

-

“This is the third time we’ve dined alone.” Ehri raised her voice across the table, and shook Nikolai from his thoughts. 

Nikolai gave her a studied smile, “We will be spending the rest of our lives together, I figure we could start with dinner.”

Ehri’s brows furrowed, as she pushed her half-eaten plate away from her. Nikolai requested a private meal so there was no servant to fill the awkward silence by taking the plate away. 

“This is the third time we’ve dined together this _week_.” She clarified.

Nikolai heard the question and accusation in her tone, and he didn’t care to answer it.

“Should I take the sign of you counting the amount of times I spend time with you as a flattery or an insult?” 

“Would it matter? You seem to take insults as if they were flattery anyway.” She sniffed.

He smirked into his wine glass, “When one looks as I do, everything becomes a compliment or jealousy. If the latter, I like to think of it as poisoned admirations.”

“And you’re not one to be jealous, are you?” She raised an eyebrow at him, and Nikolai could only grip his cup tighter. Hoping that she didn’t notice the rigidity in his posture.

She did.


	4. Chapter 4

“I have a solution for you, King.” Ehri’s voice was a surprise in the throne room at this time of day. Nikolai looked at the clock on the wall and raised his eyebrow at his intended.

“What could you possibly mean, my sweet?” He smiled sarcastically looking up from his glass. He really thought having weekly public requests would have assuaged the fears that were running rampant in Ravka, but with each request and with each verdict the tension only rose. The people were scared. They were starving. They were on the brink of utter ruin. And Nikolai was only one man. 

“You don’t have to marry me.” She didn’t step up to the dais where Nikolai was still sitting in his throne. Ehri’s face was stone still, and there was a hard line of determination set into her mouth. “I can promise the Shu’s peace and cooperation without marriage.”

Nikolai chuckled bitterly, “Forgive me, but I’m not used to women who so obviously detest me, is this some sort of cruel joke? If so, I could lend you this joke book that Toly-”

“It’s possible.” Ehri cut him off impatiently, “It’ll be possible because I’ll be your emissary and become a Ravkan citizen. Duality of citizenship is being started in Novyi Zem and with a draft from you, it could be part of Ravka as well. As your emissary and as your citizen, I can be loyal to you, and speak in your behalf in Shu Han. My people still respect me and my father will have to honor that. We don’t need to marry.” 

Another laugh almost escaped him, but then understanding quickly followed. Dual citizenship? He had heard of the Novyi Zem government doing that in a way to appease the amount of immigrants they were migrating there. And he supposed that the thought had crossed his mind to implement it when his country was more stable and could handle the increase of their populate. But to do it now? Could it be possible? Despite the logic that was screaming at him to slow his racing thought, hope was bubbling up from a forgotten place and he flashed forward in time.

With his engagement to Ehri dissolved he could start focusing on the other countries breathing down his neck. Trade routes with the Shu could be possible. The dangers of Parem could be somewhat maintained. He could choose his own wife– an image of raven hair and blue eyes invaded his mind. And his wretched, traitorous train of thought took him down the steps of the palace and into the Little Palace. It carried him through marbled steps and quickened heartbeats until he arrived in front of her door. 

He’d knock, and feel his heart in his throat. She’d answer and he could almost imagine the frown that would slightly soften at the sight of him. He’d enter without being invited in, and her sarcasm would sweeten the air. Nikolai would pace around the room. His glance would bounce around the room, because he didn’t want to see her reaction as he explained the new solution Ehri had. He just needed to get the words out and then worry about what she would think. Except when the words ran out, and only silence filled the room, he would turn to her finally and be greeted by a smile that was almost a smirk. She would tilt her head and try to hide the amusement in her eyes, and that’s what would undo him. It was that look that made him feel like he knew her better than anyone. And then he’d close that distance between them. He’d hold her face in between his hands, and feel overwhelmed– like a blade of grass caught in a storm. Her eyes would drown him. She’d feel warm, and her lips would part so slightly. Then he’d finally kiss her– like he’s wanted to ever since she agreed to be his general. 

He’d kiss her like the sun kisses the sky, and when it long since set, then he’d shower her with affection like the stars sprinkling the night. He’d hold her closer and closer until their breaths were one, and he’d finally let his heart sigh in relief. His heart would finally feel the edge of despair step down and for that brief moment it would soar with hope and happiness that had seemed so dead before this moment. 

Ehri coughed and Nikolai snapped back to the present. One of her eyebrows were raised expectantly. He opened his mouth to start to agree when his pride demanded something else to be asked.

“Do you really detest me so much, you’d do anything to not marry me?” 

For the first time since he’s met her, Ehri smiled, “I do not detest you, Nikolai. I detest that my life has been dictated to me since the moment of my birth. And I think we both know the lengths of which I would go to keep my freedom.”

Nikolai frowned at the thought of Isaak– of the sweet boy who died with another man’s face. 

“Now, do we have an agreement?” She said crossing her arms.

This time it was Nikolai who smiled, “We do indeed, Princess.”

-

He didn’t wait to tell the rest of the Triumvrate about the change of plans. They’d agree with him. And it would be the best course of action, it might even increase their export and import. But he did have to tell Zoya. 

He remembered his daydream, and his steps hurried at the mere thought of how close to reality it could be. He could have it all– Just this once he might be able to–

“Zoya,” Petya’s voice filtered in through one of the hallways of the Little Palace. 

Nikolai almost tripped as he slowed and softened his footfalls. His heart which had been racing, now felt cold and slow– like it was trying to function through quicksand. 

He reached the corner where a suit of armor was placed, it was just enough space to hide behind as Zoya and Petya stood by a beautiful stained glass window. The reds and blues splashed pleasantly on both of them, and while Petya looked flushed and nervous, Zoya had a soft amusement in her face that Nikolai had not seen in a very long time.

“I-I know it really hasn’t been that long,” Petya continued to stammer. His feet shuffling awkwardly, “But–but there’s a war coming and– And I don’t want– I don’t want uncertainty or regrets to be my last thoughts, should I die–”

“I must have been a bad influence if I’ve gotten you thinking about your death, Petya.” Zoya laughed. 

He relaxed slightly and offered what looked like a smirk, “As you say, my flower, practicality is just ruthlessness.” He coughed then took a deep breath. Before sinking down on one knee. 

A sharp pain sliced down Nikolai’s hand and he glanced down surprised at the cut across his palm. He was gripping the armor’s jagged dagger so tight that the dulled edge cut his skin. But he couldn’t bring himself to tend to the wound because something else was cutting at him. It was the same roaring beast that reared its ugly head the first time Petya asked for his opinion about Zoya. The same creature that growled and howled when he caught sight of the couple was now shredding his slowed heart. Its claws ripped thoughts in Nikolai’s mind, conjuring up a thousand ways that he could have torn Petya apart or interrupted the scene in front of him. And Nikolai was sure he would have if it hadn’t been for the way Zoya was looking at the other man.

Her eyebrows were raised and her face was in complete stillness as Petya kept talking.

He took out a dazzling ring from his pocket and pressed it to Zoya’s hand. “This is yours. I want to marry you Zoya Nazyalensky. By the saints, I am honored as all can be that you’ve let me court you, and if you so wish it I would work my entire life to be a husband you deserve. I–I know that you do not wish to marry so quickly or so haphazardly, and you don’t have to answer me now. Just–When you decide, wear the ring– then I will know. I love you, Zoya. I wish to make you happy.”

_So do I, _Nikolai thought numbly. His body wasn’t sure how to react to the shock that had started from his heart and then spread to his limbs. He wanted to run out of there, but also stay in place to see Zoya’s answer. He wanted to scream, but also never utter a single word again. His blood ran cold, but his heart seemed to flare angrily. Hundreds of contradictions were warring against him.

Zoya’s hand closed around the ring, and with the other, she cupped Petya’s face. Her lips upturned in a sad sort of smile.

“Thank you for being understanding, Petya.” She leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. That’s what made Nikolai finally move. He moved back into the shadows that were behind him. He tried to even his breathing and to temper the dread and regret and disappointment that was poisoning his whole being. But he was only fooling himself. Because with each pained step, with each breath, with each passing thought, he was ruined and wrecked. The daydream that had spectacularly felt so close to reality had shattered and he was brought back into the jagged edges of reality.


	5. Chapter 5

“It’s been a pleasure, Nikolai.” Ehri said, watching as her attendants readied their carriage and the variou, belongings the princess had accrued while she was staying in the palace.

“You don’t really mean that.” He smiled wryly. He turned to face her fully, and he couldn’t begrudge the genuine smile that rested on her face.

“I don’t.” She admitted, “But it has been a pleasure watching you run your country like a headless chicken.”

“Don’t forget that you are now a citizen of Ravka, Princess. You better hope I grow another head or this dear country of ours might never recover.”

She rolled her eyes, “Must you always be a smart-ass about everything?”

“Some might call that charm and wit.” But as he turned to his ex-fiancee and new ambassador, a genuine smile crossed his face, “Thank you, Ehri. I wish you all the luck on your journey.”

For once, Ehri gave a nod of appreciation and, held out her hand in a traditional goodbye, “Likewise, Nikolai. Apologies again, for, you know, trying to kill you.”

Nikolai’s mood slashed down in a color of bitterness as he remembered what that mistake cost him. He didn’t think he could ever forgive Ehri for the life that had to be exchanged for his, but it would do no good trying to go over old wounds.

“And I apologize for forcing you to be my betrothed.”

She gave him a wry smile and started stepping down the steps to her awaiting carriage. Nikolai watched her, feeling a small bubble of hope floating to his chest. For once, he was able to wrestle his fate back into his hands. He could still have a chance to choose better for his country. His freedom of a shapeless future was back in his hands, if only for one moment.

Ehri reached the steps of her carriage, and turned back with a mischievous tilt to her mouth, “Are you finally going to give in to her?”

Nikolai made sure to keep his face impassive even if his chest constricted briefly, “I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”

She gave a quick laugh and then stepped into her carriage, “You’re a brilliant man, Lantsov. But sometimes you’re a bit too noble for your own good.”

Nikolai felt the words of defense sit in his mouth uncomfortably, as the carriage door shut and carried his former betrothed back home.

———–

“Did Princess Ehri find her carriage suitable enough?” Genya asked, walking Nikolai back to his room, not noticing the exhausting slump of his shoulders. They had been in meetings ever since Ehri left. Legalizing the ability to be a dual citizen of Ravka was no small feat, and they had to make sure that this did not affect any current trading licenses, encroach upon any other laws and ordinances, and the drafting of letters to the lords and ladies throughout all of Ravka. It was a job meant for more than just Nikolai, David, Genya, and the twins, but they managed. But he didn’t fail to notice that everyone in the room kept glancing to the empty chair to Nikolai’s right. None of them said anything about Zoya’s absence, and Nikolai hadn’t really been in any sort of mood to explain.

Maybe it was foolish to leave your general out of such a major decision regarding the country, but Nikolai felt he was entitled to a little bit of foolishness. Zoya hadn’t said anything about her engagement to anyone, and she gave no indication of whether or not she would accept Petya’s proposal, and with Ehri gone, he was almost too scared to approach her with the possibility of sharing his feelings. What would she say? Would she go back on the hunt for a bride? Would she berate him for letting such a good candidate go? Or would she look at him like he had always imagined? Would she turn her back on Petya to be with him?

The possibilities plagued his mind like ghosts that found no rest, and so he crushed any sort of possibility for it to be so. She would find out eventually, and by the time she did, the papers would be finalized, Ehri would be gone, and whatever decision she came to, it wouldn’t be because Nikolai had been so relieved to get rid of the princess.

“I believe she did, and by the way she kept admiring it, I don’t expect it’ll get returned to us any time soon.” He said, scrubbing a hand down his face.

“Well, she’ll be back in the coming spring to check in with us, so if it really means that much to you, you can just order it back, Your Majesty.”

“What a petty king I must be to demand the return of one carriage.” Nikolai joked, breathing easier as he caught sight of his bedroom door.

“Your words, not mine.” Genya teased, poking him in the side a little bit.

He laughed and turned to face her, “Thank you for all your work, Genya. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Sure you could have,” She said with a wave of her hand, “And even if you couldn’t, I know of one very intimidating, very prickly young woman who is very much going to kill you when she finds out you did this without her who could have helped.”

The question was laced in her voice, and again, Nikolai ignored it. He just gave her one smirk and she bowed in return.

“Goodnight, Genya. Until tomorrow’s troubles.”

“Until tomorrow’s troubles, Your Majesty.”

He waited until her steps faded down the hall before finally opening his door.

The fireplace was already lit, and the smell of it brought a welcomed comfort. He unbuttoned his coat and felt his limbs start to loosen as he shrugged out of his shirt.

He needed sleep. The kind of sleep that almost felt as if he had fainted. The kind of sleep where the darkness would wrap around his mind like a sweet lover and would rouse him with the call of the sun. The kind of sleep that prevented the taunting nature of his dreams or the snapping jaws of his nightmares.

Maybe he had some left over sleeping draft from–

The door to his room slammed open with a sudden shake, and Nikolai reached for the sword hanging limply from his loosened belt. But it was only Zoya– a very angry, furious Zoya.

“Why wasn’t I involved in the Dual Citizenship Law?” She demanded, not hesitating as she shoved his shoulders with both of her hands. Nikolai was surprised enough to take a step back.

“What are you–”

“Out of all the people in your court to know, I should have been one of them!” She placed her hands on her hip, but he noticed that they were curled into fists. If he wasn’t so surprised by her sudden appearance, he might have had the sense to be scared. “What kind of general am I that you didn’t deign to inform me on this very key piece of information! What kind of advisor do you think I am that you didn’t even let know about this- this scheme!”

“It was Ehri’s idea!” Nikolai finally sputtered out. But Zoya was on a roll and began to pace around the room, her rant fully in progress.

“Did you even consider the consequences? You have just lost a suitable bride to secure an heir! Now we have to restart the whole process. Our enemies will see that as a vulnerability, just another reason why you’re not fit for the crown. What must it look like for a king to send away a very eligible princess for a bride after you insulted the other candidates–”

“Enough!” Nikolai cut her off. Zoya spun towards him and he felt the full force of her anger in waves, “If Ehri didn’t get her way, she would have been problematic. We only kept her to ensure her loyalty to me, and to make sure she didn’t kill me. Now, we have that and the Shu will still be cooperative with her as our ambassador. It’s the only–”

“You still need to be married!”

Nikolai felt a sudden illogical rush of indignation as he noticed that her left hand was still unadorned.

“Don’t promote something you won’t do yourself, Nazyalensky.”

The surprise and shock on her face was almost worth the guilt that Nikolai felt at saying the words.

“What are you talking about?”

“I know about Petya’s proposal,” he ground out, avoiding her gaze as much as he could, “And that was weeks ago. You still haven’t given an answer.”

“Why does that matter?” She shot back.

“Because–” Nikolai couldn’t remember the last time words failed him, but now seemed like an unfortunate time for such an occasion, “Because it does!”

When Nikolai looked back at Zoya, her eyebrows were raised in a mocking expression, and the truth pushed forward in his mouth, daring him to let them be free.

“That’s not a reason.” Her earlier anger had dissipated and all that was left was a cold curiosity. “Why does it matter that I haven’t accepted Petya’s proposal?”

Nikolai’s jaw twitched. He felt like he was standing on the precipice of a very large cliff, and this time he didn’t have his monstrous wings to catch his fall. One step and it could be the end of life as he knew it.

But telling Zoya a lie felt too dangerous at the moment.

After another beat of tense silence, Nikolai sighed, and made sure to meet her gaze as he said, “It matters because I don’t want to compromise any decision your heart has already made for the sake of exposing my own desires with Ehri gone.”

Zoya was unbearably still now. Her face was frozen in an unreadable expression, and Nikolai was struck with a sudden nervousness that prompted him to continue.

“I didn’t mention Ehri’s suggestion to you because I– I was a coward. I was going to tell you first. But then I overheard Petya’s proposal to you and you hadn’t said yes or no. I didn’t know if my chance with you would finally come to an end or if the saints finally decided I can have one opportunity to speak my heart. And I was too scared of knowing the answer.” It was a good thing Nikolai wasn’t wearing a shirt, because the room had suddenly grown two degrees warmer as his confession went on, “Then the idea of you trying to find me a wife, again, became unbearable. I just wanted more time to distance myself or maybe to ignore the inevitable. Genya advised against it but–”

Nikolai was suddenly caught off-guard as Zoya suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders and brought herself up in a fiery kiss.

Her sudden appearance in his room was nothing compared to the utter shock of feeling Zoya’s mouth on his. Her lips were firm and determined as they moved across his and it didn’t take him long to respond in kind.

His arms wrapped around her waist, lifting her up and angling his head to deepen the kiss. She tasted of wine and chocolate, and his nose was suddenly filled with the heady scent of flowers that followed Zoya. She threaded her hands through his hair and he felt it all the way down in his belly.

This had to be a dream. Because how often was it that the world fell away and that they were the only two people that mattered? They were invincible. They were indomitable. They were–

A choked cough disrupted the small paradise that was created by their kiss, and when Nikolai turned to look at who it was he felt the heat of their earlier passion get swept away by the early winter of dread.

Petya.

“I-uh-” His eyes shifted from Nikolai to Zoya then back to Nikolai. His usually brown skin had paled significantly, “I had only come to- uh- ask after Ehri– She left her–instrument– I–”

Zoya, who looked the picture of heartbreak and regret, took a step forward, and Petya did his best to meet her gaze.

“Petya, I–”

“Good night, Miss Nazyalensky,” He said hastily. He sketched a quick bow to Nikolai without meeting his eyes and practically ran out the room.

Zoya didn’t hesitate to follow him. Leaving Nikolai staring at the open door, with nothing but the feeling of falling and promptly hitting the rocky ground.


	6. Chapter 6

The palace has never felt so small. Nikolai was sure that in the weeks that had passed after The Incident, the building itself had shrunk two sizes too small. It seemed like everywhere he turned he either bumped into Zoya (who refused to look him in the eye) or running into Petya (who turned pale and walked the opposite direction).

It was an absolute miracle that no one else had picked up on what happened. No servants were giving him sidelong glances. No whispers from the other courtiers followed him when he was doing his regular checks. If it wasn’t for the stone of regret constantly pushing against his heart, he would have thought the entire exchange was a nightmare.

Except he knew what nightmares were like, he had the scars on his hands to prove it, and the awkwardness that settled over the three of them felt more like a bad headache. One that had no cure.

On top of it all Nina had returned with more than just bad news. Tales of Fjerdans breeding Grisha, heralding a Lantsov pretender in their lands, and troop movements were just what he needed to add to the list of the terrible disasters that have become a summation of his life.

For three days he has been in a landlocked argument with his Triumvrate on how best to deal with these breeding facilities while the best way to defend themselves against a Fjerdan attack. While Nikolai was just as sickened to hear about the kind of monstrosities that were happening to Grisha refugees, he couldn’t have his general and two thirds of his Trimuvrate just disappear. Especially not with a rise of activity from the Starless Saints cult, and with the threat of a very real Lantsov pretender.

“For the last time,” Nikolai fought the exhaustion in his voice. He felt like it had been ages since he had anything to drink or any sort of reprieve. Tamar and Genya stopped arguing for a brief moment, their attention back on him. “It is unwise to send out all of you at once. And while I know some of you are hesitant to trust the Hanne girl, she is our best asset at the moment. She’s already proven herself thus far.”

“Bringing Nina back to the heart of Ravka hardly absolves her from any suspicion. She is Jarl Brum’s daughter.” Zoya argued. For once, she was looking at Nikolai though it wasn’t comforting. He’s familiar enough with her glares that direct eye contact was the key to really strike fear into the hearts of men.

“But we have very few options at the moment.” Nikolai brought up for the thousandth time. “I need as much of you here at the palace as much as possible. It did us little good to have us divided last time, and the threat is more imminent now. Especially with the troubling news Nina brought. I agree that we have to take hold of at least one of these facilities, but we need to send someone else. I’ve already approved for Nina to lead this particular assignment, and I still think Hanne should accompany her despite the risks.”

“Nina is a child.” Zoya spit out.

Nikolai refused to flinch at her tone, “She is not. She’s a soldier that has done the impossibly by bringing back this news. And if she says that Hanne helped her escape the likes of Jarl Brum then I’m inclined to believe her.”

“That still begs the question of being undetected.” Genya brought up. “If the Fjerdans even guess at our plans to take over one of these operations, they could clear out before we have a chance of saving anyone.”

“Excuse me,” Petya’s voice sliced through the air, and all eyes turned to him. For the sake of trying to break the stalemate his friends were in, he had (awkwardly) extended an invite to Petya to attend this morning’s council.

Nikolai had never felt awkward about anything in his life. Not when Alina had rejected him, not when Ehri had called him out on his feelings about Zoya, and not when Petya had caught him and Zoya kissing (deep, deep unending shame? Sure, but awkwardness was the last thing on his mind). But asking Petya to accompany him to his meeting was pushing the limits of uncomfortability. He had felt an eternity had passed before the other man had offered him a weak smile and agreed.

“Yes, Petya?” Nikolai said. He couldn’t help but glance at Zoya who managed to not look at him or the other man. She looked like her indifferent self, but even he couldn’t miss the slight twitch in her jaw as she looked at the other man.

“The–The facility nearest to us.” He pointed to the map that was spread out on the table, “It’s close to my home. And I think with a small contingent of soldiers, I can manage to get close enough to the base to sneak in whoever you want. I can also house any sort of refugees. My family’s home has many secret tunnels that can offer easy escape.”

Nikolai was stunned into silence as he considered his proposal. It was possible. There were enough people that had seen Petya leave for the capital that it wouldn’t be all that suspicious to return with guards or an entourage. It could be good cover for any Fjerdan scouts or spies. And it would be helpful to have allies close enough to offer aide. But then again, it could also promise dangers outside Petya’s decision.

He opened his mouth to voice out his concern when Zoya spoke up next.

“You’d be risking an entire town, and your family. Do you understand that?”

Petya, boldly, met her gaze. There was still a softness there, an understanding, a shining admiration that leant itself to its own power. Zoya remained impassive, but that didn’t stop Nikolai from being reminded that for all his bravado, Petya would be a braver man than he ever could be. He wore his heart on his sleeve unashamedly.

He gave Zoya a half-hearted smile, “My family knows the risks. Ever since I had set out to Os Alta, they knew that when I came back it would either mean the end of the war or the beginning of ours.” He turned to look at Nikolai next. The loyalty in them making Nikolai’s stomach churn, “You have my family’s loyalty, Your Majesty. And while they cannot be here to offer their services, allow me to make that offer for them. It would be an honor to serve Ravka.”

Nikolai suddenly remembered why he and Petya had gotten along so well in the beginning.

He met his former friend’s gaze unflinchingly, “I accept. Get the troops you need in order, and I will have Hanne and Nina set out with you. That’s that.”

-

The morning of Petya’s departure, Nikolai’s conscience was loud enough for his headache to demand release.

The sun had barely risen, but the palace steps were already buzzing with activity. Servants running back and forth with supplies. Soldiers standing to attention. Goodbyes held back with fake assurances that they’d be back.

Through much debate, Tamar convinced everyone at least one of them should be with this contingency should go, and who better than her. It was a backup plan, and Nikolai had a hard time trying to come up with reasons for her to stay. So here she was, standing next to a sullen Nadia while Hanne and Nina saddled their horses.

Petya was nowhere to be seen and Nikolai felt a tiny bit of gratitude for the delay.

He approached Nina just as Hanne decided to help her with saddling her horse.

“Just keep your wits about you, Zenik.” Nikolai said as a way of greeting.

Nina startled as she turned around and was quick to offer a bow and a smile. Hanne inclining her head forward.

“Of course, Your Majesty. I’ve been in worse scrapes than this, and I’ve managed to keep my good looks through it all.”

Nikolai smiled while Hanne’s cheeks reddened, though it was hard to tell whether it was from the way Nina spoke to her sovereign or from the fact that she agreed.  
“And I expect those good looks to be intact when you return. Which you will, or I’m afraid the General will truly wring my neck.”

Something like surprise crossed her face for a moment before settling in a more neutral expression.

“For the sake of your neck, I will return, Your Majesty.” Nina made another bow and then mounted her horse.

Hanne bowed and murmured a brief goodbye before doing the same.

Nikolai turned and then gave Tamar some last minute instruction.

“Watch their backs, Tamar. They’re not children, but they don’t know half of what could happen to them out there. Do what you do best.”

“Always, Your Majesty.” She inclined her head and then started to head towards her horse.

That only left one person to say farewell to, and the person in question was being led into the courtyard by the last person he wanted to see him with.

Zoya and Petya were walking slowly towards the crowd, deep in conversation. Nikolai watched their exchange with an intensity that bordered on inappropriate, but that couldn’t be helped.

Petya was dressed in rough spun clothes, and his curled hair was haphazardly arranged, as if he had taken to running his hands through it. Dark shadows rested under his eyes, and despite the calm expression on his face, his eyes were betraying a deeper sadness– a sadness that carried the weight of resignation.

Zoya clutched his arm casually, but even in that gesture Nikolai knew that she was holding her emotions in. Her eyes didn’t hold their usual contempt, and she was doing her best to be comforting it seemed. Nikolai wished that he could hear what they were saying.

Probably feeling his stare, the pair turned their eyes towards him. Nikolai didn’t even have time to look away before Petya broke away from Zoya. But instead of drawing away immediately, he pulled her into an embrace and whispered something into her ear. She nodded once, and then he let go.

Zoya stayed where she was, an icy expression in her gaze as she watched Petya walk to Nikolai.

“I will try to return as soon as I can, Your Majesty.” Petya bowed as he approached him.

“Be careful out there, Petya. The Fjerdans are ruthless to all Ravkans, Grisha or not.” Nikolai said. It was so much easier being king sometimes, he thought. When you’re king no one truly expected an apology or even any sort of soft emotion. When you’re king, you only have to be strong and decisive, nothing else. But then again, if Nikolai wanted an easy life, he could have stayed a privateer.

“I will keep that in mind, my lord.” Petya gave another bow and before he could turn to leave Nikolai stopped him.

“Petya…I–I need to apologize.”

The other man’s eyebrows rose in surprise, but he said nothing. Waiting for Nikolai to continue.

“I have acted in a most dishonorable fashion, and I have caused you unnecessary pain. I have no excuse for it and I dearly regret any rift I have caused you and Miss Nazyalenksy.”

Petya considered Nikolai for a moment. The silence heavy with a tension that Nikolai didn’t care for. He couldn’t remember the last time he had ever had to apologize to anyone, and the uncertainty now made him quite sure he’d rather not do it again if he can help it.

After another moment Petya inclined his head forward.

“If it is forgiveness you seek, Your Majesty, than you have it.” Petya said graciously, and Nikolai’s stomach flooded with a relief that felt like a cooling balm against his twisted organs.

Still, it didn’t feel like enough. Zoya has always been known to be a heart-breaker, but he knew that she was different with Petya. She had cared about him, that much Nikolai knew.

“For what it’s worth,” Nikolai said before he could stop himself. The bitterness of what he was about to say coating his mouth, “Miss Nazyalensky does care about you. When you come back, you could have another chance to start over.”

At this, Petya’s mouth curled into a sad smile, “No…My story was never to be with her, Your Majesty. Even if I could have pretended for a little while, a life with Miss Nazyalensky was not meant to be.”

Nikolai tilted his head curiously, “You don’t know that.”

Petya shrugged, “I do.” At Nikolai’s silence he continued, breaking eye contact for a moment, “I think I knew it from the moment I had first asked you about Zoya.”

“What do you mean?” Nikolai tried to ignore the deep flush that crept up his neck.

Petya met Nikolai’s gaze once more. The sadness in them was clear and bare. A rawness that most men try to hide. He opened his mouth to respond when Tamar called for Petya. Breaking the peace of the moment, the other man bowed once more.

“I must be off. I thank you for your hospitality.” He said sincerely. His gaze flicked over Nikolai’s shoulder, and then back to him, “You two were made for each other. I think you know that by now, Your Majesty. And I think if you let yourself believe it, it could be a love that most people go their whole lives without really knowing.”

“Are you saying you believe in true love?” Nikolai tried to let a teasing tone seep into his voice, but found it lacking.

“I believe that any love founded on respect and loyalty that is unshakeable as yours or hers can be true love.”

So many questions swirled in his mind, so many thoughts that he wanted to share, and, like always, he had no time to say them.

“I–I wish you well, Petya. From the bottom of my heart, I truly wish you well.” Nikolai said stepping into his path again.

Petya smiled, “And I you.”

With that, his former friend, a man that had been the source of the green monster in his chest, mounted his horse and signaled for everyone to begin moving.

Nikolai stood on the steps as he watched the group start their journey. His last words still splitting his mind into a thousand different directions. It would be a while before he felt Zoya’s presence at his shoulder. Both of them lost in thought as they watched the caravan get smaller and smaller in the distance.

“He’s a good man.” Nikolai said in the early morning silence.

Nikolai didn’t think Zoya would say anything, but she did.

“He’s the best of us, Nikolai.”


	7. Chapter 7

Nikolai was going to kill Zoya. This time she went too far, and now his ass hurts as his horse raced through the battle torn field.

He would have let her go– if she had asked him. Not that she needed his permission to do anything, but if she had asked or at least let him know he would have sent troops with her. He would have assigned some Grisha out of their guard duties to accompany her. But no. She heard the news that the the Fjerdans had started a skirmish in Petya’s hometown and she had left in the dead of night.

No word. No message. Just an empty room when Nikolai came to her door to ask if she was alright with the news.

His stomach had dropped to his feet when he had first realized where she had gone. For one second, all the hope that Petya had given him that there might be the slimmest of chances that Zoya and him could be something more substantial disappeared. But that disheartening possibility was quickly replaced with bone chilling worry. 

As Nikolai rushed to get supplies together for his reckless solo journey, images of Zoya being struck down by a Fjerdan hand or fighting a mass of enemies by herself kept blocking his vision. And no assurances that she was going to be fine would calm his racing heart.

It was more than half a day’s ride to Petya’s home town, but by the fifth hour of his pace, Nikolai began to hear the sounds of a raging battle and he felt what little breath he had leave his lungs as his horse crested the hill and the battle worn land assaulted his eyes.

The city was being sieged and bodies were littered on both sides. Nikolai’s mind tunneled down to where most of the battle was taking place, and he didn’t think he could have been any happier to see a small tornado ripping through the Fjerdans line of defense.

He nudged his already tired horse down and drew his pistol from his side. 

-

All in all it took him about fifteen minutes to finally cut his way through where Zoya and Petya were. But it felt like years had passed. 

Nikolai’s horse was unfortunately struck down by a Fjerdan gun, and he very happily reciprocated the kindness to the shooter. Then there was the brief scuffle he faced with three other Fjerdan soldiers that left him with no more than a bruised side and maybe a fracture to one of his fingers. That didn’t matter, though, what mattered that his adrenaline was up, his heart was beating, and that Zoya had the most amusing look of surprise on her face.

“What in all the saints are you doing here?” She cried. 

Before Nikolai could answer a round of shots from the other side had sounded off, and on instinct Nikolai ducked towards Zoya, covering her in the circle of his arms. The shots stopped for a half a second, and without thinking, both of them had shot up from their cover and delivered an attack of their own. The soldiers who were still standing fired at will, and Zoya releasing a tidal wave to the offending line. 

Nikolai took the time to really look at the other side of the battlefield and cursed as he spotted the tank that Brekker had told him about last time they had a civil conversation. 

He scanned the faces of the men and women soldier around him.

“Xander, Kuwei,” Nikolai bellowed, the two Grisha startled at the sound of their names but didn’t hesitate to approach him. “You need to stop that tank before the Fjerdans decide they need to use it. Take three more foot soldiers with you for cover. GO!” 

There was no time to have second thoughts. The two went off, and Nikolai turned back to Zoya, only to find her struggling over an unconscious man, leaving her guard completely open.

“Zoya!” Nikolai yelled as he spied an enemy soldier sneaking up behind her. 

She didn’t turn around fast enough and before anything happened, Nikolai soundly put a bullet through his skull. 

“I don’t need your help!” She yelled at him, even as she struggled to pull the man up with her.

“Obviously you–” Nikolai’s retort died on his lips as soon as he recognized the figure in her arms. 

It was Petya. He was covered in dirt, and his shirt had been torn bloody. His left arm was mangled, and from what Nikolai could see, his chest was hardly moving.

“What happened?” Nikolai came up on Petya’s other side and helped Zoya get him into more cover. 

“Those feral ice beasts had thrown a grenade right at this house that hadn’t been cleared yet. Petya had gotten the little girl out, but not before it went off and this fucking house landed on top of him. We need to get him to the Medik on the other side of the village.” Zoya said frantically.

The regular stab of jealousy that Nikolai was oddly getting used to took another hit on his heart, but this was neither the time nor place. Petya was injured. Zoya cared enough about him to risk her own bloody life for him. And if saving this man was what it took for Zoya to be happy, then so be it. 

“Zo, you’re not going to be able to make it all the way to the Medik tent. And someone needs to stay here to organize this chaos.” Nikolai said grunting as Petya’s weight shifted more to his side. “I’ll take Petya. We need to end this fight here and now before other villages get the wrong end of a tank in their face.”

Zoya met Nikolai’s gaze over Petya’s unconscious head, and despite the war that was raging around them, he had to pause. He just needed one more moment to drink in the intensity of her blue-heated gaze, the righteous fury that always burned so brightly, the sharp lines her face made when she was about to do something dangerous. It was a look he loved– would always love. 

And this might be the last time that this look would be directed towards him.

An explosion sounded off to the west side of the battlefield and reality came crashing back in. 

Nikolai forcibly took Petya away from Zoya, and grunted as he deadman-lifted his friend. 

“I’ll see you again, Nikolai.” Zoya said simply. A state of truth that wasn’t to be contested.

His tired muscles were beginning to fully take in Petya’s weight, but even so, he managed a weak smile and said, “I’ll hold you to that, Nazyalensky.”

-

The moon was full tonight. A good sign for the future, Nikolai hoped, because after today, he could use a good sign or maybe twenty more.

Thankfully, Xander and Kuwei were able to stop the tank before anything happened, but not before Xander suffered a nasty blow to the head. Nikolai didn’t think Kuwei had it in him, but he managed to drag Xander all the way back to the Medik and hasn’t left his side since.

The boy had potential, and maybe it was time Nikolai started paying attention to that.

Once the tank was safely dispatched, it was almost clockwork the way his soldiers were able to beat the Fjerdans back to a retreat. Nikolai wasn’t able to get to the front lines once he saw the utter chaos the village had been under. No one had really taken charge of keeping supplies safe or which injured gets the most attention. His soldiers were off on patrols, and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world for him to bring order to the frantic chaos. 

He had left Petya in the care of one of the better Corporalkis, and had thrown himself to work. He needed to do something. He couldn’t sit beside an unconscious man, letting thoughts of Zoya drive him insane.

So he organized supplies, assured the citizens of the village, helped with making more defense measures around the safe haven his soldiers had managed to carve out in the midst of the attack. He did everything he could until there was nothing left to do, and he looked up to see that night had fallen. 

Exhaustion was deep in his bones. He could feel it settled and coat his muscles, but sleep was the last thing on his mind. 

“You never answered my question.” Her voice came out of the shadow of trees, and he didn’t bother turning around to meet her. 

He just kept staring up at the moon, and focused on the hard bark biting into his back. 

But Zoya was never one to be ignored so she stood right in front of him, forcing him to look up and see her dark hair silhouetted by the moonlight, casting her face in an ethereal glow.

“You’re going to have to specify, my dear Nazyalensky.” Nikolai sighed, “If the question is how one can look so good sitting in the moonlight, I won’t have any answers for you. One can only–”

“I asked you what you were doing here.” She said irritably. “A small village battle is hardly any notice for a king.”

“And I’d argue that it’s no place for a general either, but I’m a much smarter man to really contest anything you say.” Nikolai smirked, hoping against all hopes that she’d leave him alone. 

It hurt having her glaring at him like that. It hurt that despite everything, there was still this niggling doubt that she’d still choose someone else, and that he’d have to be okay with that.

“You shouldn’t be here, Nikolai.” 

“Well, it seemed like everyone was was doing reckless things for people they care about and I refuse to not be on trend. I’m king after all. It should be setting those kinds of precedence.” 

“I’m being serious.”

“So am I.”

Zoya huffed in exasperation, and finally dropped to sit in front of him. 

“Petya needed my help.” 

“Clearly.”

“His village was going to be destroyed if it wasn’t for me.”

“I’m sure they’ll erect a statue in your honor.”

“You would have done the same for a friend.”

Whatever snarky reply was sitting on Nikolai’s tongue evaporated, as the word _friend _rang in between them.

It was such a simple word– an overused one if he was honest, but with one word the dark cloud that was pressing against his chest began to lift.

“A friend?” He said slowly. He watched Zoya’s face carefully, desperately trying to read her face for any hint to the thoughts that were going on in her mind. 

“A friend.” She shrugged, “I’m assuming you know what those are.” 

“I do. Because that’s what we are, unless those hours of you calling me an idiot were telling me something else.” 

All of Nikolai’s unspoken sentiments were hanging in the air. His questions, his doubts, his feelings were an undercurrent to the calm waves of his tone, and he’d never admit himself to be cowardly. But in this moment, with Zoya looking at him curiously, he couldn’t make his mouth form what he really wanted to say. For once, he was speechless, and he was in the complete mercy of Zoya who was looking at him oddly.

“I–” Zoya started, but quickly groaned in frustration. Nikolai started to smirk, he almost started to say he’d wait all night for her response, instead the next thing he knew Zoya’s mouth was pressed against his and her hands were clutching to the front of his dirtied shirt pulling him closer.

He wrapped his arms around her, tilting his head a little more to get a better angle, and he’d gladly fight another ten Fjderan soldiers if that’s what it took for Zoya to make that small moan that she gave when he had started nibbling on her lower lip. 

“You’re still an idiot, Nikolai.” Zoya said as she rested her forehead against his, “But for some reason that’s supposed to be endearing to me.”

Nikolai laughed slightly and then brought their lips back together. He still didn’t know what this thing between them was, or what this kiss could mean, but he did know that this was a start–it was a beginning, and that was enough.


End file.
